The Miami Herald | 03/09/2003 | Udder disgrace in the Midwest
Dave Barry writes: "Livestock judges -- who, I'm guessing, are predominantly male -- prefer cows with big, round, firm udders. The judges are not interested in cows with droopy udders, even if these cows are smarter and have nicer personalities. On Saturday nights, when the big-udder cows are basking in the glamour of the livestock show, the droopy-udder cows are back in the barn, alone, quietly chewing on Danielle Steel novels. Here's where the scandal comes in: There are people whose job is to prepare cows for livestock shows. These people are called (I swear) ''cow fitters.'' Most cow fitters are honest. ''As honest as a cow fitter'' is an expression you hear frequently in the Heartland. Unfortunately, in recent years, a growing number of ''bad apple'' fitters have been artificially enhancing udders using various injections. This ticks off honest dairy farmers such as (I swear) Elmo Wendorf of Oconomowoc, Wis., who is quoted in the Journal Sentinel as follows: ``What they're trying to do is make both rear quarters absolutely equal, both 36 double-D. It's kind of like women having a breast implant. People really hate it when I compare cows to humans, but it's kind of the same.''" [Clearly, men can't be trusted with breasts... - JC]